Breaking up with someone you love seems ludicrous, right? Well, in certain circumstances, breaking up is the only solution.
I hate this topic, and why? Because I was in a relationship for over 20 years, with three children and so many investments.
I thought my relationship was the one that would last forever, and thus, I tried to never to give up. After all those years, however, I have found that breaking up with someone you love is sometimes necessary.
Sometimes, the reasons to leave far outnumber the reasons to stay. In certain situations, it’s the right thing to do.
My adult life
My entire adult life until now has been lived as a part time housewife/part time worker. For the most part, I played the role of wife and mother, cooking meals, washing clothes and all other household duties. My husband worked outside the home, almost always keeping a job to provide for his family.
Then there was the dysfunction. I understand that not everything is as it seems, and happy endings are rare. The perfect relationship also doesn’t exist, and in most cases, dysfunctional ones are much more common.
My three children are now teens, and I have grown as well. My entire mindset has changed drastically since my twenties and thirties. I now understand things in a different way and I am thankful for that. I value freedom, and I value the fact that I am happy with myself and know more about my own personality than I ever did before.
With that knowledge, I am able to discern things, and that’s important.
When is it time to let go?
The knowledge that I have gathered was useful in one outstanding way. Recently, I decided to end my marriage…for the second time. I was divorced before, about 6 years ago, and then decided to try again two years after that. This time, I have ended the relationship for good.
Why? Because sometimes, it just has to end, there are reasons….reasons that cannot be ignored. In fact, there are 6 times when breaking up with someone you love makes perfect sense. Take a look.
1. Cheating/Infidelity/Adultery
Whatever you want to call it, cheating is usually the most common reason to end a relationship and a good reason at that. If you have entered a union with someone with the understanding that the relationship is a monogamous one, then cheating should be off the menu.
Now, there are many people who are in open marriages/relationships, and that is their choice, but in a relationship devoted to a union between only two people, cheating is destroying trust.
I know that mistakes happen and people can be forgiven, but if this sort of activity continues, then usually it always will. You can attempt therapy, but cheating is always a sign that breaking up with someone you love makes sense.
2. Violence
This should be a no-brainer, but apparently, in my twenties, I had no brain. Lol! More than once, my husband was violent with me – when my oldest son was a baby when he was a toddler and even isolated times during the childhood of my other teens.
Most recently he was violent again. During my twenties, I was ignorant and I was willing to give numerous chances, not understanding that the problem would probably resurface.
Now that I am 42 years old, this last bout of violence was his last. I asked him to leave. Violence is always a red flag, even if they don’t touch you, just throwing furniture or punching holes in the wall, this is enough to say, ENOUGH! Most of the time these things escalate, and you should never have to endure such disrespect in your home. This is when it’s time to call it quits.
3. Verbal/Emotional/Mental Abuse
Like I said, they don’t have to lay hands on you at all, in order to be abusive. Much of my abuse came from debasing remarks and trigger words used to start fights. In my younger years, I fell for it every time, either fighting back or crying and begging for his mercy.
If I was submissive and cried, he knew he had retained firm control and I would do whatever he wanted. If I fought back, he would use this to point a finger toward any of my disorders and make me look like the bad guy.
Manipulation, screaming, cursing, and insults are ways that people use verbal, emotional and mental abuse to gain power. In these cases, you have every right to end the relationship. You can forget about ever being happy for long periods of time because these actions will ensure you are always walking on eggshells, so to speak. Do not tolerate this! Get out!
4. Irresponsibility
If your partner is unwilling to help in your household, AT ALL, then maybe you should reconsider your relationship. I’m not saying that they should have to work outside the home, but if they don’t, they should contribute in some other way to help support the household. If someone you love only wants to eat your food, use your utilities, and drain the household, without ever putting anything back into the pot, then maybe you shouldn’t be together.
Being responsible is part of having a healthy relationship, and it also pertains to taking rightful responsibility for mistakes or problems which come up. If someone you love cannot take responsibility for anything or will not help support the union, then it could be time to change things. This should be established in the beginning and should not change as things progress. Consistency in this area is key.
5. Bad vs. Good
In a relationship, there will be both good and bad times, that’s life. But if the bad times outweigh the good, then something is off. I remember so many great vacations, camping trips and even picnics with my family, but I also remember horrific fights. Unfortunately, the bad circumstances came way too often. My life was a series of edgy dread.
Every morning I woke and wondered what negative event would happen and would I be able to get through the day without being depressed.
I hurt inside saying these things because I always had so much hope. Giving up to me was like not putting in enough effort to make things work. Honestly, you don’t necessarily have to give up, you just have to change the structure of your family.
Sometimes, it’s better to live apart and raise healthy children, than live together and cause them emotional harm. The bad times were more numerous, and this is another reason I left. This is a reason you may need to leave too.
6. No Future Plans
For those of you who are in fairly new relationships, say a year or two, maybe three, this one is for you. If you have plans for your future, but your partner does not share those plans right now, or either he just doesn’t want to talk about it, then maybe you should move on. It’s important to be on the same page with the one you love. If not, breaking up with someone you love, makes sense.
Maybe your partner is just having fun in the relationship and isn’t really thinking of marriage or building a family. This is their personal preference and should never be forced upon anyone else, and you should not try to force your views on your partner either.
If you have different ideas for your future goals, then this is another reason why breaking up with someone you love makes sense.
Is there any hope when breaking up with someone you love?
Yes, there is always hope. Hope lingers in the background while you sort out your mess, usually. Also, there will be other times when you can practice not giving up, or practice your dreams of having a family. I have a family, and I see them as a unique structure now.
I am moving on, and I will have a much better understanding of what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship.
Let’s hope this helps you and gives you strength to stand firm in your convictions. If you are in a loving relationship, then that’s great, but if you find yourself dealing with these issues listed above, then maybe it’s time to reconsider your plans….and make new ones for yourself.
Much love
References:
Original article and pictures take www.lifeadvancer.com site
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